6 months since
- I last heard Jake’s voice
- I got my last text from Jake
- I brought Jake coffee for the last time
- My kids hugged their dad for the last time and said “bye dad” without even a thought in their heads about what was going to happen that day
- My cell phone last rang with a call from Jake
- My world stopped turning
- I’ve been able to focus or pay attention
- “AFTER” began
- I put on my Kristen Suit
Why this arbitrary number? 6 months? It’s so stupid. But it has been a really hard day.
Everyday throughout the last 6 months, my brain is constantly re-playing the events of that day. Then I hit rewind and watch it all over again. Rewind. Replay. Rewind. Replay. WISH. WISH. WISH. Rewind. Replay.
I try to distract myself. I try to distract myself with BIG things. Should I sell my house? Should I not sell my house? Should I buy a car? Should I buy an RV? Should I go on a trip? Where should I go on a trip? Should I buy a vacation house on a lake? Should I move across the country? Should I move out of the country? Big decisions. Most of them are things I’d never even thought of in the “BEFORE”. But thinking about these things and researching them are temporary distractions for me.
I was telling my very wise friend about these thoughts and she basically advised me not to make any major decisions about what I don’t have right now–but to evaluate what I want moving forward. As always, this friend makes so much sense, but reflecting on this has completely thrown me off-balance. Moving forward? I am so stuck in that one day in my past, that moving forward hasn’t really even occurred to me. So, what direction am I heading? What in the world do I want moving forward? My brain hasn’t even accepted the fact that Jake is not coming back. It hurts to think of moving forward without him. Maybe that’s why my brain is stuck on that day. 6 months ago. He was still here.
I have a dear friend and she had been friends with Jake from long before I ever met him. She married his best friend. Anyway, she recently had a dream about Jake where she looked out the window and was startled to see Jake’s face. She said, “He was just standing there, but he had a mullet. So I started laughing at him and he said, in his Jake way that ‘well, everyone needs to show respect for the mullet'”. I LOVE this dream. This dream sounds so much like Jake. He would be the one to get a mullet just because it was so uncool and just because it would make people laugh. Just because he could tell people to “respect the mullet”.
When we first started dating, I showed up at one of Jake’s punk shows and was horrified to see that he and his buddy had given each other mohawks. I was still getting to know Jake at that time and could not yet appreciate his sense of humor about such things. It’s just hair! But I almost turned around and walked out the door. I didn’t though, because just like the black socks and sandals, I didn’t even notice the mohawk after a while. I just saw Jake. (Although-I will admit that I was very happy when his hair grew back in!)
I realize that my “story” leaves a lot of unanswered questions. I need to keep it that way for a while to protect the “innocents” in my life. Be assured, that I will end up telling the whole story, the whole truth. I do want the world to know what happened to my Jake. Maybe that’s part of my moving forward.