I wish there were a way for me to get un-stuck from this place.
This Friday is Jake’s birthday. He would have been 42 years old. All this week, my brain is stuck on what was going on this time last year. We were vacationing in California. Jake’s dad’s side of the family came to visit and we had a big birthday party for Jake. Jake got to meet his half-sister for the first time. Jake was so happy. I remember crying when his aunt left as I told her how grateful I was that she had pulled his family together for his birthday–because I knew it meant the world to Jake. One month and 3 days later, Jake was gone.
I feel like I’ve lived a lifetime in the past 11 months, but at the same time, I feel the pain so acutely and remember so much, it feels like it was yesterday. I just want to get un-stuck. I finally made the painful, but smart decision to put our home on the market. There has been no movement on the house. Very stressful. I know I need to move out because financially, it is the only option. But I also know I need to move out because I am stuck. A good friend recently told me, “I know this is not the end of your story”. I liked the way that was worded. I know it’s not the end of my story either, but I need to be able to turn this page. It’s like I keep reading it over and over again because I still don’t understand it.
One of my best friends, the color in my life, recently found out she has cancer and will be going in for surgery on Friday (Jake’s birthday). I believe with all my heart that she is going to kick the shit out of this disease, but it hurts so much to know she is going through it.
Basically, I could really use some good news this week. But I have no control over any of this. So, I need to find something I can control and love the shit out of it. Yesterday, my oldest son spent nearly two entire hours talking to me non-stop, without any interjections from me. I still have no idea what he was talking about. But-that was exactly what it was like with Jake. He could talk and talk and talk and at the end I wouldn’t even know what the topic was-let alone get whatever message he was trying to convey. I loved that conversation with my son yesterday. In a weird way, it was like having Jake back for that time.
I’ve decided when our vacation is over, I am going to pursue all my crazy new interests. I’m going to make time for them-I’m going to figure it all out. But this week, I just wish something could take away this pain.
I would love and appreciate any comments or suggestions for helping me turn this page.