The Cleansing

I know that blogs are “supposed to be” centered around a specific theme. However, I’m trying to get rid of the “should haves” and “supposed tos” in my life so things are about to get crazy up in here!

A couple of days ago, I got a wild hair up my ass. I went to a cold pressed juicing place with the intention of trying a juice and maybe¬†choking down a wheatgrass shot. Well, I ended up spending a pretty penny on a 3-day juicing cleanse. The juice is only good for a few days, so I planned to start the very next day. The salespeople told me to drink water to stay hydrated. They told me to go for walks instead of runs because I may be lightheaded. Meanwhile, my mind was thinking “pffft. I totally got this AND I’m going to keep up my strict workout routine!”

I’d really like to share my experience!

Day One/Juice One–something green with kale and stuff in it. Doesn’t taste so bad considering it’s green and has kale and other “good for you” crap in it.
Juice Two–something citrus-y with fruit and mint. Different, but good.
Juice Three-back to the kale and spinach base. I can choke it down.

*Then I sit on the couch for a second and fall fast asleep. Almost late for work.*

Juice Four-Something red. It has beets in it. This was a juice that I could see myself drinking on a semi-regular basis. Go figure. Maybe it’s because it wasn’t green.

*At this point-I become lightheaded. Dizzy, Start of a headache. I remember I’m also supposed to be sipping green water (can’t they do something about all the green?) throughout the day. This stuff was nasty.*

Juice Five-something green based. Can barely bring it to my mouth. Trying to force down a few sips and the 5th grader I was working with asks “Well, if its making you feel so bad, why are you doing it?”. I paused and said “That’s a really good question. You’re wiser than I am kid”.

Somewhere during Juice Five (which I couldn’t finish) I get nauseous, feverish, and the worst headache I can remember having since I had migraines in grad school. My face feels like it’s on fire. I’m practically lying on the desk as I work with my student. My heart is beating really fast and I feel short of breath. I wonder how I’m going to make it through the work day. I might have the flu.

Juice Six–Really kind of yummy–almond/vanilla based. Last juice of the day. Withdrawal symptoms remain.

I throw out remainder of Juice 5, as well as green water.

By the time I get home, I think I’m hallucinating.

I crawl into bed without even brushing my teeth or washing my face! My head is pounding and I think I’m going to vomit. I can’t even function.

I am up about seven times during the night to pee. At least seven.

The morning comes and my headache has dulled. I wonder for a brief moment if I can get through another day of cleansing.
After all, I spent a pretty penny on this shit. I open Juice #1 and start to drink it.

My 9-year-old pulls out the coffee. “Mom–PLEASE drink some coffee. Lots and lots of coffee. I’ll even make it for you!”

12-year-old says “Just drink water, mom. That doesn’t make you sick.”

At this point, children have more common sense than I do.

The whole “not eating” part wasn’t bad at all, because you are sipping these juices practically every minute, (or drinking the green water in between).
But–ugh–I was so sick! I need to be able to function in my life! I have a job and kids. I drive a car (they should have laws against driving while you are on a cleanse by the way)! I’m thinking-well-this is what detox means. When people are overcoming an addiction, they go through physical withdrawal symptoms like this.

Then I decide-

Life is short. Eat the fucking cookie.

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