The end of August. Intense flashbacks. All the dates.
2014
Saturday, August 23rd: The day that Jake asked me to take him to the ER because he was thinking about hurting himself and needed help. Also the day we spent a couple of hours (max) at the ER before we were told that he was not considered a risk and would be discharged.
Sunday, August 24th: Jake ate his first En Fuego burger (later to be changed to the “Jake Burger”).
Wednesday, August 27th: The phone call. The medivac helicopter. The police station. The special room at the hospital. The wailing. The blood.
Thursday, August 28th: Brain test. Twice. Official date of death. Time 1:26pm.
Also Thursday 28th: Organ donation. Kept on life support. I could not leave his side.
Friday August 29th: Still in Neuro ICU. Awaiting test results and all the things involved in organ donation. Feeling some comfort in thinking about the enormous number of people about to receive Jake’s organs.
Saturday, August 30th: Informed that some test irregularities indicated that Jake’s organs were not suitable for donation. Another loss. Life support machine was turned off. I lied on Jake’s chest and listened to his heart as it kept beating. Even after life support was turned off. They had told me that would happen. But what if they were wrong? They could be wrong. So I lied there, holding my breath, and willing with every ounce of my being for his heart to keep beating.
Also Saturday, August 30th: I left the neuro ICU after being there for 96 hours. It felt like I had lived my whole life in that ICU and I was afraid to leave. Eventually, they made me walk away from Jake.
Down the hall, into the elevator, down to the lobby, outside to the parking garage, into a car. That car drove me to the place where my kids waited. I walked in the door and they ran to me hugging and happy and asking, “Where’s daddy?”
Sometimes I feel like my life didn’t even start until the AFTER, because it can be so hard to remember the BEFORE.
The Fucked-up-versary:
Year One (2015): Drank. A lot. Like..a lot.
Year Two (2016): Went on a family vacation to Montana. Surely I would be okay if I were somewhere else? Nope.
Year Three (2017): Trail ½ marathon with a dear friend.
Year Four (2018): Mt. Rainier hike with another dear friend.
Year Five (2019): First backpacking trip with a dear, and very patient friend. (I wasn’t very good at it!)
Year Six (2020): Getting my hair done. A bit different from years past. But my hairdresser was a good friend of Jake’s and she’s known him for longer than I have. So whatever that afternoon looks like-even for a few hours—she and I will understand each other, and I know I will take comfort in being with someone who also loved Jake.
Also Year Six (2020): I know my wonderful friends will be on standby for whatever I need. Walking. Crying. Talking. Letting me tell the story of August 27th, 2014 over and over again. Drinking. Eating all the desserts. Or understanding that maybe I just need to sleep through the rest of the day because I’ll be waking up on the 28th, reliving the official date of Jake’s death.
Too many dates to get through.
I never know what to expect.
xo
The Kristen Suit 